Because doing this seems to help..

I've noticed that in the last couple days since I started to blog my thoughts, my mind has felt more open and clear. The distractions of seeming failure have alleviated and direction has remerged. It's just difficult to remain focused over such a long period in the face of constant obstacles. It's not to say that settlers didn't face overwhelming obstacles on a daily basis, but I have to think what got them over those hurdles was a complete lack of an alternative to the course they were taking.
This modern life presents magnificent opportunity and near infinite directions one can take depending on each and every stimuli. The individual stories that physicians have as to how they got to where they are are as diverse as the people who tell them. Having those alternatives I think are my largest distraction and most drastic downer.
As I complete my two years worth pre-requisites with no sign of a medical school matriculation in sight, I am forced to determine the course of the next few years. Do I take a year off and truly study for the MCAT, work to get more clinical experience, complete an MPH and work to pay off some debt over the next couple years, or do I bare down and study like mad for the MCAT and try my hand at applying late again? Honestly, learning about the process as I have, the prior seems to be the most obvious course. Dr. Hardwick said it perfeclty.. you have to do it right and go all the way. Add into that Dr. Sorenson's plan of applying wide and deep. There are so many different programs out there that would provide great opportunity as a physician, but also a fantastic life for my family.
What tears at me in the next month may depend largely on the outcome of the primary elections as to whether or not Barack Obama comes out with a final victory approach. Running in Lyon County with Hillary on the top of the ticket would bring out all the right wing crazies Lyon county has to offer and might just raze the dead. Barack Obama on the other hand offers a very clear contrast to John McCain and provides for an opportunity to win on the down ticket because of him and what he brings to this election.
What if I did win that election: Assembly or county commissioner? That creates a bit of a dillemma, but the counter to that is that medical school does not seem to be a given. Talk about a hard concept to take. That's a topic for another day though. And that'll be enough for today.

Once you get on...

I guess when I started to make the decision to leave everything behind that I had been training for to pursue medical school, the conceptual framework of the journey was a mystery. I hadn't really taken the time to ponder the ups and downs, but only the fact that I am going to do it. The further I get into this process, the more it seems to be a metaphor of a trans-atlantic voyage that millions of colonists have made during the Age of Colonialism.
Those individuals left everything behind in the hopes that what they were heading towards might be a better life for their family and themselves. Perhaps what connects it the most is that the journey was fraught with peril, the destination wasn't a destination at all, but the beginning of another long, grueling life, but most importantly.. once they left port, there was no turning back. They couldn't go to the Captain and politely ask if they could turn around.. this wasn't what they had expected. In that journey into a completely unfamiliar world though, lyed a couple constants. The first constant was quite simply the journey itself. No matter what they did, they were on it. Another constant, equally as important, is the ship. Everything they did depended on that ship being seaworthy. When things went wrong.. they had to adapt and overcome for the decision to not fight was simply death in the vast openess of the Atlantic. Storms, sickness, food shortages, disease, etc. were all issues that the colonists had to face. They'd start looking at a beautiful horizon, the storm would kick in all that loomed was the torrential rains, wind and seas, but on the other side of that lyed the journey, and the destination.
Perhaps what I find most intriguing about this metaphor is how the colonists had no idea when the voyage would bring land in their sights. They had to keep on fighting, keep on keepin on, they had to persevere because failure was not an option.

Gotta start someplace...

I have no idea if anyone will read this, and honestly I care not. I can't stand writing out things by hand, but will type myself into gibberish. Should some poor fool decide to read my ranting.. thanks, but your time would be better spent sleeping or watching re-runs of Firefly on DVD. To those of you who can't sleep and who have destroyed their Firefly DVD's, welcome to confusion